This is 40

The parallel lines of joy and grief, grey hair and gratitude, and what I know now that I did not know then

Jun 15, 2026

Well, here I am. I turned 40. I am now considered mid-life. Wait, pause, Say again? I am 40, really?! Didn’t I just graduate college and get married? I have how many kids? 7! And my oldest is now entering high school. - ok, my head is spinning just a little.

When I think back to my younger self, I am not sure if I had a very clear image of what I wanted life to look like at that point in time, but I knew that I wanted to have a bunch of kids with a prince charming husband -those boxes are perfectly checked, but what I could have never fathomed is how I would feel the weight and change as I enter year 40. I have come to the realization that 40 means a significant portion of life has been lived with many lessons learned along the way. Additionally, with 40 has come unexpected harsh realities; ones that I could never have even remotely imagined would be part of my life.

What comes with turning 40? Imagine two parallel lines - one has many beautiful, graceful paths, and the other is a little more rough with challenges that have been overcome. As the lines keep going, there are still twists of trials I am still undergoing and on the other side, so much joy and gratitude. They do intersect as eventually all these feelings intertwine as I live more, grow more, and pray more.

Physically, I realize I am definitely not as young as I used to be. Muscles become sore easier, and one bad mattress for a night hurts my back for a week. In the same breath, however, I realize my body still has so much strength, I am currently way more fit than I believe I ever was in my 20s, but to reach this point I had a lot of trial and error on what works best for my body. I write about this more here. I know also at this point in time, health will be an ongoing task. My body and its needs will continue to change as I age, but I am ready to adapt.

Additionally on the physical topic, I definitely did not believe I would be so grey-haired at 40. I am probably about 70% grey, but I have decided against dyeing and letting those silver pieces come through. I am embracing my grey with confidence. Really, when going against the trends, holding oneself with confidence may even create a new fad.

I also have way more varicose veins that have been made worse by pregnancy. However, these are badges of my children, and I wear them with pride. The fact that my body helped grow 7 children is quite a miracle. How many times has my body changed - well, let’s not think too hard about that one. Yet, no matter the difficulties of pregnancy, every time, it was and still is 100% worth it.

I definitely surprised myself with how fast, I had children. My mom also had 7 children, but her youngest was born when she was 42; my youngest (we will see if he is the youngest or not), I had at 38. 7 babies in 12 years! If my future 40-year-old self, would have told my 20-year-old self (we just watched Avengers Endgame and time travel is on my mind), I would have laughed so hard. I wanted a big family, but I actually really didn’t have a number, but I NEVER imagined I would have babies that fast. Yet, my husband and I accepted God’s plan. (More about our story here.) This does not mean it has been easy.

Out of my 40 years, 14 of them have been being a mother. No one tells you how HARD being a mother is. Some days are so difficult, I just feel like crumbling from the weight. But as that physical strength that is still growing, so is my mental and emotional strength. Being a mother has formed an endurance in me like no other; it has formed and shaped me to who I am today and who I know I still will grow into to be.

I just love watching my children play and enjoy life! It is so soul and heart fulfilling as a mother.

I still have a long way to go in my mothering and the mental gymnastics of having one, actually almost two teenagers, is stretching me. Yet, God did this really cool thing, right? I have learned so much from having these children as toddlers up to them being teenagers, and I am more confident in my parenting that I am facing these years with excitement. It is fun to have mini-adults in the house - well, not so much when they think they can be the adult… alright, fine, it’s a rollercoaster. But strap me in because I LOVE rollercoasters. I am hanging on tight with a massive smile as well as some feelings of terror, because this new decade will contain still parenting toddlers, along with teenagers popping up faster than I can blink.

In terms of blinking, some days I wish I could blink or just snap my fingers or pull a Wizard of Oz of clicking my heel 3x, and be back on a porch with my mom, Maria and my best friend, Meghan. Conversations with the two of them together actually have happened, but now those memories feel as they are white dandelion buds blowing into the wind. I never thought that by 40, I would have been walking through such heavy grief. That wasn’t supposed to be until I was old too, right? However, the harsh reality is, grief can happen at any point in time, at any age, and walking through the pain has me growing in hope and love even more.

I would never have even imagined that my mom would not be earthside (she passed away at age 59) as I enter this monumental stage of my life. She is no longer a phone call away, her calm, faithful and reassuring voice feel so distant. And my best friend, she never even reached 40. She and I always had a level of understanding - we knew each other since we were 8 years old. Our friendship did go through some up and downs, but it grew stronger each year especially has we entered motherhood. The fact I can no longer hear her sweet and encouraging voice, wrecks me. Actually, I know it is not my fault, but I felt a pain of guilt that I have lived longer, but I know that God’s plan for her was so much different than mine. For both my mom and for Meghan, their work continues from heaven. I have their memories and I feel their strength and prayers as I continue on the path that God has laid out for me. (I write about these losses here).

I thought these beautiful souls deserved photos. Miss them so much. I am striving to have my mom's beautiful grey. The photo of Meghan was on the last hike we took together shortly before her diagnosis

I am SO grateful for my children as I walked the path of life through the laughter, tears, grief and joy; they truly have fueled me during these rough years, but what I am even more thankful for is my husband. How blessed am I to have such a faithful, virtuous man at my side!? We have been through a lot together. To only name a few - 3 moves, job changes, lots of travel, all the trial of pregnancy and childbirth - he even became my midwife for baby #6; read that story here - and he has been such a rock when it has come to losing two foundational women. Honestly, one thing that still brings shock value to me is that marriages can shatter. I have been blessed to have so many good examples of marriages through my life, and then to know friends who have gotten a divorce break not only my heart, but also my husband’s. Marriage definitely has its struggles, and I give gratitude to God every day that I have found a man that is willing to work through trials and hold steadfast, no matter what curveball is thrown at us. He is an excellent catcher (and a huge baseball fan at that!)

I love him and the life we have had so far. So looking forward to all the life adventures we still have to come.

Overall, as I reflect on 40 years here is what I know to be true:

Never say never, time changes and grows a person. One example of this is I said I would never join a homeschool hybrid and here I am, not only part of one, but in a lead role. How ironic!?

Trends come and go, and I have learned to not let them shape me. There will always be a new way, a new method, but there is no better way than the one that works best for my family.

I take societal expectations with a grain of salt. Focus on my prayer life and my family and grow closer to Christ is all the expectation I need. We live a life that is one that gives lots of people a surprise - 7 kids! We also do many things against traditional advice - bought a house when financially it didn’t make sense (I have home buying story coming soon), had kids young and fast, and chose homeschooling. Sometimes the practical side does not make sense, and at least for me decisions take heart, prayer and faith with a dose of prudence.

Things do not need to be all or nothing. I used to be so much stricter on food choices, for example, and now I am more 80/20 when it comes to how we eat and some days honestly, it is 60/40. Yet, I am keeping my sanity.

Life is too short. To wait for a better time for something, might not happen. Take advantage when opportunity is right.

There are my plans, but ultimately, I am not in charge God is. I will always try to turn that steering wheel the opposite directions sometimes, but it boomerangs back; I even cry, “Why, Lord!?” But along the way even if I do not understand, I am rooted in my faith that there is a reason, and God has a plan.

Finally, I used to think 40 was SO old, now my 40s ladies raise your hands up because we are still young and have so much life to still live and even though I feel that there have already been bests, well, I look forward to seeing what other bests I still have to live.

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